End of the Semester Chaos

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I have no idea what I am doing. My weight has remained fairly steady because I have not been paying that close of attention to my eating with all the drama in my life. Fighting with friends. Massive homework assignments. Life drama in general. Finals start next week and I am slightly terrified. I don't know why, because I am very intelligent and know I will do well. I just have a tendency to freak out at the end of the semester.

I talk a lot about intuitive eating, but my therapist says it isn't for everyone. I am one of those someones. I wish that I could hurry up and get approved for Medicaid so I can finally go see a nutritionist and get a meal plan. The sooner, the better, so I can stop dieting and lose weight in a more balanced manner. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind again.

I cannot wait for this semester to be over. I just want to go home and relax.

Party!

I am leaving in the morning at around 11, to go home for the weekend. I am so excited because I do not get to go home oftent throughout the semester, so when I finally do --- yee haw!

I am spending most of the day Thursday with Rachael. She knows about my struggles with food and body image, so she's really understanding. She is battling to lose weight too (and do amazing I might add) so it makes things easier for both of us.

I am not sure what I am doing Friday during the day, but I know that I am having my bachelorette party that night. We are going to Mongolian BBQ and amazing Rachael found a healthy one in Independence. I am not sure if she did that on purpose or by accident, but I am TOTALLY excited! I already looked up the nutrition information and printed off the pamphlet. I have so many different things planend out in my head. All if it at under 500 calories (Even if I get two plates).

The way Mongolian BBQ works: You get up and grab a bowl. Then there is this buffet-style set up with meat, veggies, noodles, and sauces. You add what you want of each of these items (and there is a huge variety so even the pickiest eater is good to go). When you are done, you walk up to this huge circular grill and they cook your food right in front of you. I love that part of it. It is so much fun to watch the cooks, especially if they act silly. The process looks a lot like this:

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Have I mentioned how excited I am??? Hehehe. I will be staying the night with MOH (Maid of Honor) Rachael and my bridesmaid Faith. We might go to a movie or do some shopping. IDK yet.

Then Saturday I have my wedding shower at the church. That should be a lot of fun! Then Sunday is church and I'm back to campus that afternoon.

The weekend will be really busy, but lots and lots of fun.

Today's Intake
Breakfast
Honey nut cheerios with skim milk
Large apple

Lunch
Turkey wrap (FlatOut wrap, 3 oz turkey, lots of lettuce, mustard)
Sour cream & onion Baked Lays potato chips
3 Hershey's caramel kisses

Dinner
Breakfast burrito (Wrap, turkey, egg beaters, cheese dip, hot sauce)
4 Hershey's caramel kisses

Hey Beautiful! How Do We Connect?

I have searched all over this website for a place where I can search for other users. How do I do that? How do I find like-minded people so I can give/receive support and encouragement? I really want to make more friends on here because I need a safe environment to come and talk about food, my weight loss, my life, and all my issues where I won't feel triggered. By triggered, I mean my ED or bipolar disorder. Both things are chemical, but they can also be triggered my a situation or person.

There are times where I hate being bipolar, more so than I normally do. As my mooods change, so does my motivation for losing weight.

When I'm manic, weight loss is easy and it is fun, no matter if I lose .2 lbs or 3 lbs a week. Mania is one of the best feelings and scariest feelings in the world. You are high as a kite, with your brain moving 25mph. Speech and thoughts both race, but anyone who knows you well is able to keep up, so it doesn't matter. You don't feel tired, so you don't sleep and many more things can get accomplished. However, at the same time, there is that anxiety gnawing at the back of your mind, just waiting for the crash because you know it will be horrible. Depression is bad, but depression after Mania is even worse.


When I'm depressed or becoming depressed, weight loss can go either way. My appetite may become completely shot, so I lose weight quickly or I may become ravenous and have to struggle to lose weight. Either way, when I'm depressed, weight loss becomes a chore and ceases to be fun. The less I lose when I'm depressed, the more depressed I become. It digs the whole deeper and deeper. I can tell when I'm becoming depressed even before I really feel it because I step on the scale and the loss no longer excites me. In fact, it starts to make me anxious. Especially on days where I lose a lot of weight because I fear the weight loss will end soon and I will start gaining again, as that has been my story so many times.

I need to learn better coping skills and stop pushing myself so hard. I think everything will be okay then. Medication would help too, but that is out of reach right now as I have no insurance and am paying for my wedding, so very little extra spending money.

But most importantly, I need to keep reminding myself: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I think every person should tell him/herself that every day! Look in the mirror and say it with me, "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!" Then smile and look at that gorgeous face! See? Isn't your day already better? Mine is now! I actually smiled at myself. So now I'm off to shower, get dressed, do my makeup and hair, and enjoy the day!


Have a wonderful day everyone!

Intake
Breakfast
Egg beaters wrapped in a "FlatOut" tortilla

[Note to self: Go grocery shopping before your food options get too boring...]

Lunch
"Smart Ones" Creamy rigatoni with broccoli & chicken

[Yay being a college student and eating frozen meals! Lol. If only the kitchen in the commons building was clean, then I could cook. Too bad I'm not cleaning up after a bunch of irresponsible children ...]

Dinner
1/8 of meat trio pizza [less than one serving]
1 bread stick [1/2 serving]
1 small piece of chocolate cake

[Ashley made Red Baron pizza and chocolate cake for Jasmine's birthday. I figure I would rather eat a little bit of each than to feel deprived. I know that one meal won't screw up everything.]

First Goal

As of this morning I have reached my first goal. *yay* I was also brave enough to try on my next smaller pants --- my 11/12s. They slid up and button easily (woo hoo), but given how I am shaped, I have this annoying overlap (boo!). You see, my hips are wide, then it tapers in at my belly button, then goes back out, up my rips. Almost like an hour glass shape, but there isn't the 8" difference necessary for it to be a true hour glass. So as long as I have excess fat, I will either have to wear pants that are too big around my waist to not worry about the overlap or just have the overlap. Hmmm.

Now that I am confident that what I am doing will help me lose weight, I think I am going to try and weigh-in only every other day. Then I will keep decreasing my weigh-ins until I am weighing only once a week. This is huge step for me, but I know I must take it.

Jasmine, Julie, and I are going shopping today. I am so excited because I LOVE TO SHOP! It is probably one of my favorite past times. Even if I do not get to buy anything, I love to walk around and window shop. After shopping we will probably go out to eat and I have already mentally prepared myself for that. I am super excited to see how I do.


YAY SHOPPING!!!!

Intake
Breakfast
Nothing

[I was not hungry when I woke up. I know they say you should eat at least something for breakfast because it jump starts your metabolism and that if you do not eat, you will overeat throughout the day, but I do not think that is necessarily true for everyone. I am trying to get more in tune with my body, so I will just eat when I am hungry, while still making healthy choices. Not to mention that if I eat breakfast when I am not hungry, it makes me seriously nauseous.]

Lunch
1/2 Whole wheat bagel with fat free strawberry cream cheese
1/2 c Egg beaters with shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 c "Naked Berry Burst" juice

[I was in the mood for breakfast food. I pretty much adore bagels! I would like to buy some more soon.]

Dinner
Fire Grilled Salmon
Sautéed Green Beans
Spicy Rice

[We went to Dave & Buster's. I was completely shocked when the waitress told me that they weren't allowed to give out nutrition information. That sends up a huge red flag for me, because then you know it must be unhealthy! So I scoured the menu until I finally settled on Salmon. The Fire Grilled Salmon seemed fairly healthy (minus the butter), so I went with that, opting for green beans instead of spinach. I looked up the info on My Fitness Pal and it said 690 calories for the whole meal, which isn't too bad considering I only had about 250-300 calories for lunch. Since that gives me less than 1000 calories for the day, chances are I'll eat some chocolate before bed time. Hehehe.]

Weigh-In & Miracles

I weighed-in today. I was curious since I didn't weigh yesterday (which is a big thing for me since I use to step on the stupid scale 5-10 times a day (and at my worse, 30+ times a day).

ANYWAY. So the wonderful news? Down 2 lbs! Feelling pretty awesome about that.

Then to make it even better I got the grade back on my Devinat Behavior test. I got a 90%!!!! I felt so good seeing that. I know it must have been God's doing because I did not read any of the text book or articles. I missed half the lectures for that material. I didn't even try to study. Luckily, the test was on Mental Illness and Drug & Alcohol Abuse, all things I've studied in previous courses, so I figure God just brought that stuff to my mind as I took the test.

So all in all, today is a wonderful day.

It is such a beautiful day that once I get off work in a couple hours, I am going to go for a nice long walk.

Time to start posting my intake! I was using excel, but it is making me crazy with my need for the cells to be a specific width and shading and borders ... I was almost late for class because of that stupid program! So I will just post my intake here until I get a handle of what to eat and what to avoid.

Intake
Breakfast
1/2 whole wheat bagel
1/2 c Egg beaters
1 Farmland sausage patty

[Farmland sausage patties are SO YUMMY! I'm sure the fat and sodium isn't so good for you, but whatever. They taste delicious. I figure the "no cholesterol" aspect of the Egg Beaters balances it out.]

Lunch
1 Turkey wrap [FlatOut tortilla w/ 2 oz turkey & mustard]
1 oz Baked Doritos

[I was going to get an apple from the food court, but I have no clue how many people have touched those apples. Even if I washed it, I would still feel weird. I really wish I had some lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles to put on my wrap.]

Snack
1 Peach smoothie
1 Slim-Fast "peanut butter crunch time" snack bar

[Tell me that smoothie does not look DELICIOUS!?!?! Sure, mine didn't look exactly like that, but it was pretty stinking awesome with all that lovely fruit. Yum!]

Dinner
Quiznos Honey Bourbon Chicken Sandwich (Regular size)



And yes, I know that by posting my intake, I am going against the "intuitive eating" that I posted about in my previous blog, but as I said, it isn't for everyone --- and as someone recovering from an eating disorder, it definitely isn't for me right now.