Last Full Week of Classes

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I have one more day of classes --- Monday. After that, finals week begins. My finals don't start until Friday and I'm done that following Tuesday. I'm not stressed in the least. I'm rather excited. I cannot wait to get out of here for the summer! It won't be long before I'm married, moving into Mitch's apartment, then graduating college, then going to grad school, then starting a family ... hehehe!

End of the Semester Chaos

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I have no idea what I am doing. My weight has remained fairly steady because I have not been paying that close of attention to my eating with all the drama in my life. Fighting with friends. Massive homework assignments. Life drama in general. Finals start next week and I am slightly terrified. I don't know why, because I am very intelligent and know I will do well. I just have a tendency to freak out at the end of the semester.

I talk a lot about intuitive eating, but my therapist says it isn't for everyone. I am one of those someones. I wish that I could hurry up and get approved for Medicaid so I can finally go see a nutritionist and get a meal plan. The sooner, the better, so I can stop dieting and lose weight in a more balanced manner. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind again.

I cannot wait for this semester to be over. I just want to go home and relax.

I Love Parties

I have gained 3 pounds since Thursday (so in 4 days), but I am not upset by it (especially since at some point during the weekend I was up to 183). I am sure by tomorrow, it will be on its way back down.

I had the time of my life with the parties. There was a lot of laughter, tears, and a couple embarrassing gifts. My grandmother bought me a nightie. I was so worried that it wouldn't fit. I tried it on when I got home and it fit fine. You can see my fat because it is shear, so I know I definitely have a long way to go.

There are 40 days until my wedding. I wonder how much weight I can lose before then. I am trying to be optimistic, but 5.5 weeks doesn't sound too promising a length of time. I hope to get down to at least 170, but we will see.

Party!

I am leaving in the morning at around 11, to go home for the weekend. I am so excited because I do not get to go home oftent throughout the semester, so when I finally do --- yee haw!

I am spending most of the day Thursday with Rachael. She knows about my struggles with food and body image, so she's really understanding. She is battling to lose weight too (and do amazing I might add) so it makes things easier for both of us.

I am not sure what I am doing Friday during the day, but I know that I am having my bachelorette party that night. We are going to Mongolian BBQ and amazing Rachael found a healthy one in Independence. I am not sure if she did that on purpose or by accident, but I am TOTALLY excited! I already looked up the nutrition information and printed off the pamphlet. I have so many different things planend out in my head. All if it at under 500 calories (Even if I get two plates).

The way Mongolian BBQ works: You get up and grab a bowl. Then there is this buffet-style set up with meat, veggies, noodles, and sauces. You add what you want of each of these items (and there is a huge variety so even the pickiest eater is good to go). When you are done, you walk up to this huge circular grill and they cook your food right in front of you. I love that part of it. It is so much fun to watch the cooks, especially if they act silly. The process looks a lot like this:

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Have I mentioned how excited I am??? Hehehe. I will be staying the night with MOH (Maid of Honor) Rachael and my bridesmaid Faith. We might go to a movie or do some shopping. IDK yet.

Then Saturday I have my wedding shower at the church. That should be a lot of fun! Then Sunday is church and I'm back to campus that afternoon.

The weekend will be really busy, but lots and lots of fun.

Today's Intake
Breakfast
Honey nut cheerios with skim milk
Large apple

Lunch
Turkey wrap (FlatOut wrap, 3 oz turkey, lots of lettuce, mustard)
Sour cream & onion Baked Lays potato chips
3 Hershey's caramel kisses

Dinner
Breakfast burrito (Wrap, turkey, egg beaters, cheese dip, hot sauce)
4 Hershey's caramel kisses

Hey Beautiful! How Do We Connect?

I have searched all over this website for a place where I can search for other users. How do I do that? How do I find like-minded people so I can give/receive support and encouragement? I really want to make more friends on here because I need a safe environment to come and talk about food, my weight loss, my life, and all my issues where I won't feel triggered. By triggered, I mean my ED or bipolar disorder. Both things are chemical, but they can also be triggered my a situation or person.

There are times where I hate being bipolar, more so than I normally do. As my mooods change, so does my motivation for losing weight.

When I'm manic, weight loss is easy and it is fun, no matter if I lose .2 lbs or 3 lbs a week. Mania is one of the best feelings and scariest feelings in the world. You are high as a kite, with your brain moving 25mph. Speech and thoughts both race, but anyone who knows you well is able to keep up, so it doesn't matter. You don't feel tired, so you don't sleep and many more things can get accomplished. However, at the same time, there is that anxiety gnawing at the back of your mind, just waiting for the crash because you know it will be horrible. Depression is bad, but depression after Mania is even worse.


When I'm depressed or becoming depressed, weight loss can go either way. My appetite may become completely shot, so I lose weight quickly or I may become ravenous and have to struggle to lose weight. Either way, when I'm depressed, weight loss becomes a chore and ceases to be fun. The less I lose when I'm depressed, the more depressed I become. It digs the whole deeper and deeper. I can tell when I'm becoming depressed even before I really feel it because I step on the scale and the loss no longer excites me. In fact, it starts to make me anxious. Especially on days where I lose a lot of weight because I fear the weight loss will end soon and I will start gaining again, as that has been my story so many times.

I need to learn better coping skills and stop pushing myself so hard. I think everything will be okay then. Medication would help too, but that is out of reach right now as I have no insurance and am paying for my wedding, so very little extra spending money.

But most importantly, I need to keep reminding myself: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I think every person should tell him/herself that every day! Look in the mirror and say it with me, "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!" Then smile and look at that gorgeous face! See? Isn't your day already better? Mine is now! I actually smiled at myself. So now I'm off to shower, get dressed, do my makeup and hair, and enjoy the day!


Have a wonderful day everyone!

Intake
Breakfast
Egg beaters wrapped in a "FlatOut" tortilla

[Note to self: Go grocery shopping before your food options get too boring...]

Lunch
"Smart Ones" Creamy rigatoni with broccoli & chicken

[Yay being a college student and eating frozen meals! Lol. If only the kitchen in the commons building was clean, then I could cook. Too bad I'm not cleaning up after a bunch of irresponsible children ...]

Dinner
1/8 of meat trio pizza [less than one serving]
1 bread stick [1/2 serving]
1 small piece of chocolate cake

[Ashley made Red Baron pizza and chocolate cake for Jasmine's birthday. I figure I would rather eat a little bit of each than to feel deprived. I know that one meal won't screw up everything.]