Because Diets Don't Work

I've spent years dieting. My weight has gone down and up and up and down. Right now, I'm doing the best I can to be the healthiest I can.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Just a few more days

I must admit, this place seems fairly ineffective for meeting new people. I must be doing something wrong. I probably won't update here anymore because it seems like a waste of my time and actually makes me feel rather lonely.

I have completed two of my finals and have two more left. One on Monday and one on Tuesday. After that, I am packing up and going home.

That is all ...

Oh. And I'm down to 176.8. Go me!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Last Full Week of Classes

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I have one more day of classes --- Monday. After that, finals week begins. My finals don't start until Friday and I'm done that following Tuesday. I'm not stressed in the least. I'm rather excited. I cannot wait to get out of here for the summer! It won't be long before I'm married, moving into Mitch's apartment, then graduating college, then going to grad school, then starting a family ... hehehe!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

End of the Semester Chaos

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I have no idea what I am doing. My weight has remained fairly steady because I have not been paying that close of attention to my eating with all the drama in my life. Fighting with friends. Massive homework assignments. Life drama in general. Finals start next week and I am slightly terrified. I don't know why, because I am very intelligent and know I will do well. I just have a tendency to freak out at the end of the semester.

I talk a lot about intuitive eating, but my therapist says it isn't for everyone. I am one of those someones. I wish that I could hurry up and get approved for Medicaid so I can finally go see a nutritionist and get a meal plan. The sooner, the better, so I can stop dieting and lose weight in a more balanced manner. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind again.

I cannot wait for this semester to be over. I just want to go home and relax.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I Love Parties

I have gained 3 pounds since Thursday (so in 4 days), but I am not upset by it (especially since at some point during the weekend I was up to 183). I am sure by tomorrow, it will be on its way back down.

I had the time of my life with the parties. There was a lot of laughter, tears, and a couple embarrassing gifts. My grandmother bought me a nightie. I was so worried that it wouldn't fit. I tried it on when I got home and it fit fine. You can see my fat because it is shear, so I know I definitely have a long way to go.

There are 40 days until my wedding. I wonder how much weight I can lose before then. I am trying to be optimistic, but 5.5 weeks doesn't sound too promising a length of time. I hope to get down to at least 170, but we will see.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I am leaving in the morning at around 11, to go home for the weekend. I am so excited because I do not get to go home oftent throughout the semester, so when I finally do --- yee haw!

I am spending most of the day Thursday with Rachael. She knows about my struggles with food and body image, so she's really understanding. She is battling to lose weight too (and do amazing I might add) so it makes things easier for both of us.

I am not sure what I am doing Friday during the day, but I know that I am having my bachelorette party that night. We are going to Mongolian BBQ and amazing Rachael found a healthy one in Independence. I am not sure if she did that on purpose or by accident, but I am TOTALLY excited! I already looked up the nutrition information and printed off the pamphlet. I have so many different things planend out in my head. All if it at under 500 calories (Even if I get two plates).

The way Mongolian BBQ works: You get up and grab a bowl. Then there is this buffet-style set up with meat, veggies, noodles, and sauces. You add what you want of each of these items (and there is a huge variety so even the pickiest eater is good to go). When you are done, you walk up to this huge circular grill and they cook your food right in front of you. I love that part of it. It is so much fun to watch the cooks, especially if they act silly. The process looks a lot like this:

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Have I mentioned how excited I am??? Hehehe. I will be staying the night with MOH (Maid of Honor) Rachael and my bridesmaid Faith. We might go to a movie or do some shopping. IDK yet.

Then Saturday I have my wedding shower at the church. That should be a lot of fun! Then Sunday is church and I'm back to campus that afternoon.

The weekend will be really busy, but lots and lots of fun.

Today's Intake
Honey nut cheerios with skim milk
Large apple

Turkey wrap (FlatOut wrap, 3 oz turkey, lots of lettuce, mustard)
Sour cream & onion Baked Lays potato chips
3 Hershey's caramel kisses

Breakfast burrito (Wrap, turkey, egg beaters, cheese dip, hot sauce)
4 Hershey's caramel kisses

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Hey Beautiful! How Do We Connect?

I have searched all over this website for a place where I can search for other users. How do I do that? How do I find like-minded people so I can give/receive support and encouragement? I really want to make more friends on here because I need a safe environment to come and talk about food, my weight loss, my life, and all my issues where I won't feel triggered. By triggered, I mean my ED or bipolar disorder. Both things are chemical, but they can also be triggered my a situation or person.

There are times where I hate being bipolar, more so than I normally do. As my mooods change, so does my motivation for losing weight.

When I'm manic, weight loss is easy and it is fun, no matter if I lose .2 lbs or 3 lbs a week. Mania is one of the best feelings and scariest feelings in the world. You are high as a kite, with your brain moving 25mph. Speech and thoughts both race, but anyone who knows you well is able to keep up, so it doesn't matter. You don't feel tired, so you don't sleep and many more things can get accomplished. However, at the same time, there is that anxiety gnawing at the back of your mind, just waiting for the crash because you know it will be horrible. Depression is bad, but depression after Mania is even worse.

When I'm depressed or becoming depressed, weight loss can go either way. My appetite may become completely shot, so I lose weight quickly or I may become ravenous and have to struggle to lose weight. Either way, when I'm depressed, weight loss becomes a chore and ceases to be fun. The less I lose when I'm depressed, the more depressed I become. It digs the whole deeper and deeper. I can tell when I'm becoming depressed even before I really feel it because I step on the scale and the loss no longer excites me. In fact, it starts to make me anxious. Especially on days where I lose a lot of weight because I fear the weight loss will end soon and I will start gaining again, as that has been my story so many times.

I need to learn better coping skills and stop pushing myself so hard. I think everything will be okay then. Medication would help too, but that is out of reach right now as I have no insurance and am paying for my wedding, so very little extra spending money.

But most importantly, I need to keep reminding myself: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I think every person should tell him/herself that every day! Look in the mirror and say it with me, "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!" Then smile and look at that gorgeous face! See? Isn't your day already better? Mine is now! I actually smiled at myself. So now I'm off to shower, get dressed, do my makeup and hair, and enjoy the day!

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Egg beaters wrapped in a "FlatOut" tortilla

[Note to self: Go grocery shopping before your food options get too boring...]

"Smart Ones" Creamy rigatoni with broccoli & chicken

[Yay being a college student and eating frozen meals! Lol. If only the kitchen in the commons building was clean, then I could cook. Too bad I'm not cleaning up after a bunch of irresponsible children ...]

1/8 of meat trio pizza [less than one serving]
1 bread stick [1/2 serving]
1 small piece of chocolate cake

[Ashley made Red Baron pizza and chocolate cake for Jasmine's birthday. I figure I would rather eat a little bit of each than to feel deprived. I know that one meal won't screw up everything.]

Saturday, April 17, 2010

First Goal

As of this morning I have reached my first goal. *yay* I was also brave enough to try on my next smaller pants --- my 11/12s. They slid up and button easily (woo hoo), but given how I am shaped, I have this annoying overlap (boo!). You see, my hips are wide, then it tapers in at my belly button, then goes back out, up my rips. Almost like an hour glass shape, but there isn't the 8" difference necessary for it to be a true hour glass. So as long as I have excess fat, I will either have to wear pants that are too big around my waist to not worry about the overlap or just have the overlap. Hmmm.

Now that I am confident that what I am doing will help me lose weight, I think I am going to try and weigh-in only every other day. Then I will keep decreasing my weigh-ins until I am weighing only once a week. This is huge step for me, but I know I must take it.

Jasmine, Julie, and I are going shopping today. I am so excited because I LOVE TO SHOP! It is probably one of my favorite past times. Even if I do not get to buy anything, I love to walk around and window shop. After shopping we will probably go out to eat and I have already mentally prepared myself for that. I am super excited to see how I do.



[I was not hungry when I woke up. I know they say you should eat at least something for breakfast because it jump starts your metabolism and that if you do not eat, you will overeat throughout the day, but I do not think that is necessarily true for everyone. I am trying to get more in tune with my body, so I will just eat when I am hungry, while still making healthy choices. Not to mention that if I eat breakfast when I am not hungry, it makes me seriously nauseous.]

1/2 Whole wheat bagel with fat free strawberry cream cheese
1/2 c Egg beaters with shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 c "Naked Berry Burst" juice

[I was in the mood for breakfast food. I pretty much adore bagels! I would like to buy some more soon.]

Fire Grilled Salmon
Sautéed Green Beans
Spicy Rice

[We went to Dave & Buster's. I was completely shocked when the waitress told me that they weren't allowed to give out nutrition information. That sends up a huge red flag for me, because then you know it must be unhealthy! So I scoured the menu until I finally settled on Salmon. The Fire Grilled Salmon seemed fairly healthy (minus the butter), so I went with that, opting for green beans instead of spinach. I looked up the info on My Fitness Pal and it said 690 calories for the whole meal, which isn't too bad considering I only had about 250-300 calories for lunch. Since that gives me less than 1000 calories for the day, chances are I'll eat some chocolate before bed time. Hehehe.]

Friday, April 16, 2010

Weigh-In & Miracles

I weighed-in today. I was curious since I didn't weigh yesterday (which is a big thing for me since I use to step on the stupid scale 5-10 times a day (and at my worse, 30+ times a day).

ANYWAY. So the wonderful news? Down 2 lbs! Feelling pretty awesome about that.

Then to make it even better I got the grade back on my Devinat Behavior test. I got a 90%!!!! I felt so good seeing that. I know it must have been God's doing because I did not read any of the text book or articles. I missed half the lectures for that material. I didn't even try to study. Luckily, the test was on Mental Illness and Drug & Alcohol Abuse, all things I've studied in previous courses, so I figure God just brought that stuff to my mind as I took the test.

So all in all, today is a wonderful day.

It is such a beautiful day that once I get off work in a couple hours, I am going to go for a nice long walk.

Time to start posting my intake! I was using excel, but it is making me crazy with my need for the cells to be a specific width and shading and borders ... I was almost late for class because of that stupid program! So I will just post my intake here until I get a handle of what to eat and what to avoid.

1/2 whole wheat bagel
1/2 c Egg beaters
1 Farmland sausage patty

[Farmland sausage patties are SO YUMMY! I'm sure the fat and sodium isn't so good for you, but whatever. They taste delicious. I figure the "no cholesterol" aspect of the Egg Beaters balances it out.]

1 Turkey wrap [FlatOut tortilla w/ 2 oz turkey & mustard]
1 oz Baked Doritos

[I was going to get an apple from the food court, but I have no clue how many people have touched those apples. Even if I washed it, I would still feel weird. I really wish I had some lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles to put on my wrap.]

1 Peach smoothie
1 Slim-Fast "peanut butter crunch time" snack bar

[Tell me that smoothie does not look DELICIOUS!?!?! Sure, mine didn't look exactly like that, but it was pretty stinking awesome with all that lovely fruit. Yum!]

Quiznos Honey Bourbon Chicken Sandwich (Regular size)

And yes, I know that by posting my intake, I am going against the "intuitive eating" that I posted about in my previous blog, but as I said, it isn't for everyone --- and as someone recovering from an eating disorder, it definitely isn't for me right now.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Intuitive Eating

I woke up late for work today. I ended up making it only 15 minutes late, so I am not too worried. It happened because I did not fall asleep until 4 AM, while needing to wake up at 6:30 to shower and get ready to be at work by 7:15 (in order to clock in at 7:30). That did NOT happen. I woke up at 6:30, shut off my alarm, then fell asleep only to wake up at 7:33. I ran around getting dressed and made it to work at 7:40.

Today has been kind of stressful, so intuitive eating has not been going so well for me. It is something my therapist said I should try since I have such a hard time eating. I am always either overeating or under-eating, both of which lead to depression. Unfortunately, intuitive eating is a learning process, and I do not do so well with it. Dr. Marash said that sometimes it is not for everyone and I have a feeling that it might not be for me. I may have to just calculate my daily intake and stick to a rigid meal plan. At least then I know I will be consuming less than I burn and not be so anxious, but I am still willing to keep trying intuitive eating for about another week or so and see where my weight and moods end up.

Intuitive eating sounds simple, but for most of America, it is actually a very difficult concept to wrap your mind around. So I thought I would help you all out and let you see what many psychologists feel is the answer to the "diet mentality". Click Here if you want to see the full website where I got the info.

What is Intuitive Eating?

Intuitive eating is an approach that teaches you how to create a healthy relationship with your food, mind, and body--where you ultimately become the expert of your own body. You learn how to distinguish between physical and emotional feelings, and gain a sense of body wisdom. It's also a process of making peace with food---so that you no longer have constant "food worry" thoughts. It's knowing that your health and your worth as a person does not change because you ate a so-called "bad" or "fattening" food.

On the surface this may sound simplistic, but it is rather complex. For example one of the basic principles of Intuitive Eating is the ability to respond to inner body cues, “Eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full”, which may sound like a no-brainer. But when you have history of chronic dieting or rigid “healthy” rules about eating it's quite difficult because a number of things need to be in place, including the ability to trust yourself! Here is a summary of the 10 principles of Intuitive Eating, from our book, Intuitive Eating, 2nd ed, 2003.

Intuitive Eating Principles

1. Reject the Diet Mentality
Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.

2. Honor Your Hunger
Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food.

3. Make Peace with Food
Call a truce, stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, binging When you finally “give-in” to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt.

4. Challenge the Food Police
Scream a loud "NO" to thoughts in your head that declare you're "good" for eating under 1000 calories or "bad" because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created . The police station is housed deep in your psyche, and its loud speaker shouts negative barbs, hopeless phrases, and guilt-provoking indictments. Chasing the Food Police away is a critical step in returning to Intuitive Eating.

5. Respect Your Fullness
Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show that you're comfortably full. Pause in the middle of a meal or food and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what is your current fullness level?

6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor
The Japanese have the wisdom to promote pleasure as one of their goals of healthy living In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence--the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting and conducive, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decide you've had "enough".

7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food
Find ways to comfort , nurture, distract, and resolve your issues without using food. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger are emotions we all experience throughout life. Each has its own trigger, and each has its own appeasement. Food won't fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you into a food hangover. But food won't solve the problem. If anything, eating for an emotional hunger will only make you feel worse in the long run. You'll ultimately have to deal with the source of the emotion, as well as the discomfort of overeating.

8. Respect Your Body
Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally as futile (and uncomfortable) to have the same expectation with body size. But mostly, respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are. It's hard to reject the diet mentality if you are unrealistic and overly critical about your body shape.

9. Exercise--Feel the Difference
Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.

10. Honor Your Health--Gentle Nutrition
Make food choices that honor your health and taste buds while making you feel well. Remember that you don't have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It's what you eat consistently over time that matters, progress not perfection is what counts.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My First Post


I guess I can start off by introducing myself.

My name is Lois. I am 22 years old. I am a Christian. I will be graduating with a B.S. in Psychology in December of 2010. I have two brothers. One is my twin and the other one is 7 years older. I am kind of moody. I can slack off at types, yet I am also very driven (most of the time). Sometimes it may seem like I contradict myself, but that is kind of how my mind functions.

I like music. I like watching Psych, NCIS, Law & Order, CSI, House, Numb3rs, and Bones. I love reading. I like going on walks. I like texting and feel completely lost without my cell phone.

More often than not, I am random, so don't worry if I jump around in my train of thought.

This blog is about my journey to a healthy weight. I am not sure how to go about it, so it might take me a while to get into the swing of things.

For starters: Some background info.

At my highest, I weighed 280 lbs. At 5'3", that meant a size 28 pants and XXXL shirt. I was depressed and abused food. It was my comfort. It was my friend. It was there for me no matter what, but I hated it at the same time. I graduated from high school despising the way I looked, yet was unable to stop my food addiction. I finally snapped out of it March 2006.

I was getting ready to help out at a CAB (Campus Activities Board) event at my college. I was suppose to be taking pictures. I had just got through washing my hands and was staring at myself in the mirror, when I really began to notice what I looked like. All I could think was: Is that really what I look like? Am I really THAT big? That is when it hit me, that something had to change. The official dieting would not start until May 9th, but when it did, I hit it hard.

Between May and Thanksgiving I went from 280 to 190 lbs. I was down to a size 18. At the time, that was what I had wanted. I just wanted to get back to an 18. Unfortunately, over the course of those 6 months of dieting, I had developed some seriously unhealthy eating habits as well as a distorted body image and an 18 was not good enough. I wanted to get down to a 12.

That is when the cycles started. Weeks of eating very little followed by days of binging. Followed by weeks of eating very little. Excessive exercise. Diet pills. Freak outs. Avoiding friends. My life became one big obsessive nightmare. This cycle would go on for the next 4+ years, consuming my every waking moment, destroying all my relationships and ravaging my body. Believe you me: Losing and gaining lots of weight really quickly is NOT GOOD!

Then, March 20th, 2010 came. I met Mitch. I was half-starved, neurotic, worried he would think I was too fat to date, scared of commitment, scared of failure ... Just plain crazy. Little did I know that God would use this man to change my life. With Mitch's love and understanding, I slowly began to see myself in a different light. He showed me that I was beautiful no matter what my weight and that the mirror lies. I struggled a lot. There were a lot of pointless fights and raging tears over weight gains, not eating, overeating, skipping class --- all things related to the anxiety associated with food and my perception of myself. As time has moved on though, things are getting easier. I want to be healthy. I want to get to a healthy weight. Not for Mitch, but for me. For us. So that I can live a long and happy life with him. Happily married (with our ups and downs like any normal couple).

I want to live a life free of the fear of fat. Free of the fear of thin. Free of fear period. I want to eat to live. Not live to eat or starve to cope or any of the horrid behaviors I have been engaging in before.

So I guess in the long run, this will be the documentation of my daily struggles and successes. You are more than welcome to follow along.

Me at 280 lbs:
I'm the one in the grey hoodie.

I'm the one in the bright green shirt.

Me at around 180-190 lbs:

Hmmm. This is a TOUGHIE! I'm obviously the one on the left. (Seeing as how the middle one is a guy and I'm not 100 lbs nor black!)