Project Health: My First Post

Okay.

I guess I can start off by introducing myself.

My name is Lois. I am 22 years old. I am a Christian. I will be graduating with a B.S. in Psychology in December of 2010. I have two brothers. One is my twin and the other one is 7 years older. I am kind of moody. I can slack off at types, yet I am also very driven (most of the time). Sometimes it may seem like I contradict myself, but that is kind of how my mind functions.

I like music. I like watching Psych, NCIS, Law & Order, CSI, House, Numb3rs, and Bones. I love reading. I like going on walks. I like texting and feel completely lost without my cell phone.

More often than not, I am random, so don't worry if I jump around in my train of thought.

This blog is about my journey to a healthy weight. I am not sure how to go about it, so it might take me a while to get into the swing of things.

For starters: Some background info.

At my highest, I weighed 280 lbs. At 5'3", that meant a size 28 pants and XXXL shirt. I was depressed and abused food. It was my comfort. It was my friend. It was there for me no matter what, but I hated it at the same time. I graduated from high school despising the way I looked, yet was unable to stop my food addiction. I finally snapped out of it March 2006.

I was getting ready to help out at a CAB (Campus Activities Board) event at my college. I was suppose to be taking pictures. I had just got through washing my hands and was staring at myself in the mirror, when I really began to notice what I looked like. All I could think was: Is that really what I look like? Am I really THAT big? That is when it hit me, that something had to change. The official dieting would not start until May 9th, but when it did, I hit it hard.

Between May and Thanksgiving I went from 280 to 190 lbs. I was down to a size 18. At the time, that was what I had wanted. I just wanted to get back to an 18. Unfortunately, over the course of those 6 months of dieting, I had developed some seriously unhealthy eating habits as well as a distorted body image and an 18 was not good enough. I wanted to get down to a 12.

That is when the cycles started. Weeks of eating very little followed by days of binging. Followed by weeks of eating very little. Excessive exercise. Diet pills. Freak outs. Avoiding friends. My life became one big obsessive nightmare. This cycle would go on for the next 4+ years, consuming my every waking moment, destroying all my relationships and ravaging my body. Believe you me: Losing and gaining lots of weight really quickly is NOT GOOD!

Then, March 20th, 2010 came. I met Mitch. I was half-starved, neurotic, worried he would think I was too fat to date, scared of commitment, scared of failure ... Just plain crazy. Little did I know that God would use this man to change my life. With Mitch's love and understanding, I slowly began to see myself in a different light. He showed me that I was beautiful no matter what my weight and that the mirror lies. I struggled a lot. There were a lot of pointless fights and raging tears over weight gains, not eating, overeating, skipping class --- all things related to the anxiety associated with food and my perception of myself. As time has moved on though, things are getting easier. I want to be healthy. I want to get to a healthy weight. Not for Mitch, but for me. For us. So that I can live a long and happy life with him. Happily married (with our ups and downs like any normal couple).

I want to live a life free of the fear of fat. Free of the fear of thin. Free of fear period. I want to eat to live. Not live to eat or starve to cope or any of the horrid behaviors I have been engaging in before.

So I guess in the long run, this will be the documentation of my daily struggles and successes. You are more than welcome to follow along.

Me at 280 lbs: